A man went on vacation and arranged for his mother to stay at his house and take care of his cat. And, just to be sure, he asked his next-door neighbor if he would look in on them every day and make sure they were all right. "No problem," said the neighbor. The man flew off to Mexico and after a couple of days he called the neighbor and asked how things were going.
"Well," the neighbor said, "your cat died." "Geez," the guy said. "You have to come right out and tell me like that? Couldn't you have a little more consideration. Couldn't you have broken it to me a little more gently. Like first telling me that the cat was on the rook but fell off, then maybe the next day telling me you had taken the cat to the vet but he didn't make it. By the way, how's my mom doing?"
"Well," said the neighbor, "she was up on the roof..."

What do elephants use for tampons?

Sheep

How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plough?
Give here a shovel.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm Going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is.....

Always keep your condoms in your car!

A bear and a rabbit are relieving themselves in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and asks:
"Do you have a problem with feces sticking to your fur?"
"No," replies the rabbit.
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.