There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop.

So, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are audtioning for a movie about famous composers. At the audition the judges are like "Sylvester, who will you be playing" and Sylvester answers "I'll be Mozart". The judges then turn to arnie and say "And you, Arnie?" and Arnie says "I'll be Bach!"

Teacher calls Johnny after class and asks:
- Why are you always late for school?
Johnny replies:
- Because there's a warning sign on the corner that says: "Slow down - school ahead!"

Yo mommas like a turtle, when shes on her back, shes fucked!