What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?

You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?

So men can be open minded.

One day this guy dies and, not surprisingly, goes to Hell. Upon arrival at the fiery gates, he is directed to a waiting room. He notices many clocks on the walls, and each one seems to be running at a different speed.

Satan finishes up with someone and comes out into the waiting room, where the guy says, "Hi, Mr. Satan. Enjoying Hell so far, but I have a question. What's with all the clocks in here?"

Satan smiles. "Oh, those aren't clocks. Each of those represents a man, and every time a man masturbates, his particular representation makes a complete revolution."

The guy seems intrigued and asks, "Do you know where mine is?"

"Yes," the Prince of Darkness replies. "It's in my office. I'm using it as a fan."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."