A man went on vacation and arranged for his mother to stay at his house and take care of his cat. And, just to be sure, he asked his next-door neighbor if he would look in on them every day and make sure they were all right. "No problem," said the neighbor. The man flew off to Mexico and after a couple of days he called the neighbor and asked how things were going.
"Well," the neighbor said, "your cat died." "Geez," the guy said. "You have to come right out and tell me like that? Couldn't you have a little more consideration. Couldn't you have broken it to me a little more gently. Like first telling me that the cat was on the rook but fell off, then maybe the next day telling me you had taken the cat to the vet but he didn't make it. By the way, how's my mom doing?"
"Well," said the neighbor, "she was up on the roof..."

A women was going through her husband's desk drawer and discovered three soybeans in an envelope containing thirty dollars in cash. So she asks her husband about it.
And the husband said, "Well, I have to confess. Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you. But every time I cheated, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself."
"So where did the thirty dollars come from?" she asked.
"Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I decided to sell."

Your mama is so fat that when she turns around, people throw her a welcome-back party.

What do you call a man who lost 75% of his intellegence?

Divorced

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.