Whats the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes: WHACK ... "Damn"! A bad Skydiver goes: "Damn"! ... WHACK.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell.

The Devil is taking him on a tour showing him all the various punnisments people have received. Then they arrive in one room where Kenneth Starr is sitting on a bed and Monica Lewinski is performing oral sex.

"This is your room" said the Devil.

"This isn't so bad," said Clinton. "I can deal with this for eternity."

"Well, good." replied the Devil. "You can leave now, Monica"

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'”.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"